Road blocks

I have two friends that I'm always in a three-way text conversation with. So we complain and carry on about whatever is happening at the moment. We like to play, "who's crap is worse". In our own world's our crap is just as big as anyone else's during those very, very trying moments.

And also when you ask for patience, have you ever noticed that God gives you more things to be patient about?

I'm so frustrated.

I break up with Boyfriend because I want to do the church thing, the temple marriage, participate in church classes. And my thoughts align with "you're doing the right things, therefore you will be blessed." You know, what the scriptures tell you. 

And instead, comes a trial of my faith...a bigger trial. As if breaking up with a boyfriend of 3 years, moving out of our house, moving back in with family, etc. wasn't action enough...my car gets totaled in a stupid accident. AND then my poor credit choices come to haunt me.

AND then the straw the broke the camel's back today...institute was cancelled. I was so excited to go and be with friends and get a Godly lesson...but just to throw off more of today sucking...the class is cancelled.

Oh and not only was class cancelled, it wasn't relayed to me...so I sit at the church for 30 minutes and then start bawling my eyes out.

#winforSara

It wasn't even that class was cancelled, it was the act that I am trying so hard to be righteous and attend church meetings and participate and make friends, and no one said, Hey...no institute tonight.

Many years ago I attempted to attend church in a college YSA. I was less than active and it was an attempt to reactive myself. (yeah, I've fallen in and out of activeness a few times.) I was running late, but I arrived and not knowing a soul walked into the building. Not knowing where to head, I peaked my head into a classroom with an open door to see if someone could tell me.

The girl who first saw me said, "You don't belong here." I'm sure she meant, "this is a meeting for X and you're looking for Y." 

I will never forget that moment. As I stood there I thought, "They can just sense I'm a sinner. they don't want me here. I'm not welcome. She's right. I don't belong here."

And that was a huge impact on me. As I walked around the church today trying to figure out where this class would be or if it was changed or cancelled, I remembered those words from many years ago. "You don't belong here."

It's no one's fault. This was going to be my first time attending this class in with these people. But that though consumed me.

Do I really not belong here? Is this too much for me? Can I come back from all I've done? Is there even a way back? Where do I even start? 

So I drove home crying and now these questions consume me. Do I really belong in the Church? Am I really wanted and valued? Is anyone ever going to see past the red in my ledger? 

Road block after road block after road block. I didn't ask for opportunities to be patient, I asked for patience with my current struggles. And now more struggles have beed added to the originals. 

Road blocks. 

The grass is not greener on the single side.

I hate getting my hopes up.

And I don't understand how some of these girls date and date and date and date. Seriously...what is their secret?! I can barely get a guy to hang out with me let alone ask me on a date...or multiple dates.

I'm frustrated. Obviously. I don't have any idea what I thought single-life would be like, but this was not it. I guess I forgot about the frustration and the loneliness and not having the significant other to tell everything to.

Gah.

So here's this blog, I guess I'll just pour my heart into you.

School is great. I'm taking 16 credits this semester and I am so over being in school. Just a few more semesters and I'll graduate and then head off to PA school so I can do it all over...

Work is tiring. I'm burnt out.

Dating...well, the grass is definitely not always greener on the single side.

So I'm here cuddling my adorable dog and praying for patience and guidance.

Xoxo.

Dating again...

So I've progressed into the dating world. This time around I keep looking back at patterns of who I've dated, why, and how I "won't ever do that again." 

You know how we are told over and over "you're amazing, anyone is lucky to be with you" or "don't let him treat you like that" or "you deserve so much more."

You know the reasons we hear these things? It's not the boys...it's us girls. We allow everything bad that happens to us...to happen. 

I know he's not XYZ but "he'll change for me."

He won't.

He won't call me his girlfriend because he doesn't want to label what we have.

No...he just doesn't want YOU as his girlfriend.

He got out of a hard relationship, he just needs time.

No...the right girl will make it the right time.

He's just busy.

No...he just is too busy for YOU.

[Insert whatever lie we tell ourselves to feel better about him not calling or texting back.]

If he's not asking you out, he's asking someone else. 

If he's not calling you his girlfriend, it's because he wants it to be someone else.

If he's not calling you at all, it's because he is calling someone else.

These are HARD realizations. They are difficult to swallow. I've been there. Honestly, who hasn't? And the more work it takes to convince yourself that he is into you, the more sure of a sign of how much he is not.