Road blocks

I have two friends that I'm always in a three-way text conversation with. So we complain and carry on about whatever is happening at the moment. We like to play, "who's crap is worse". In our own world's our crap is just as big as anyone else's during those very, very trying moments.

And also when you ask for patience, have you ever noticed that God gives you more things to be patient about?

I'm so frustrated.

I break up with Boyfriend because I want to do the church thing, the temple marriage, participate in church classes. And my thoughts align with "you're doing the right things, therefore you will be blessed." You know, what the scriptures tell you. 

And instead, comes a trial of my faith...a bigger trial. As if breaking up with a boyfriend of 3 years, moving out of our house, moving back in with family, etc. wasn't action enough...my car gets totaled in a stupid accident. AND then my poor credit choices come to haunt me.

AND then the straw the broke the camel's back today...institute was cancelled. I was so excited to go and be with friends and get a Godly lesson...but just to throw off more of today sucking...the class is cancelled.

Oh and not only was class cancelled, it wasn't relayed to me...so I sit at the church for 30 minutes and then start bawling my eyes out.

#winforSara

It wasn't even that class was cancelled, it was the act that I am trying so hard to be righteous and attend church meetings and participate and make friends, and no one said, Hey...no institute tonight.

Many years ago I attempted to attend church in a college YSA. I was less than active and it was an attempt to reactive myself. (yeah, I've fallen in and out of activeness a few times.) I was running late, but I arrived and not knowing a soul walked into the building. Not knowing where to head, I peaked my head into a classroom with an open door to see if someone could tell me.

The girl who first saw me said, "You don't belong here." I'm sure she meant, "this is a meeting for X and you're looking for Y." 

I will never forget that moment. As I stood there I thought, "They can just sense I'm a sinner. they don't want me here. I'm not welcome. She's right. I don't belong here."

And that was a huge impact on me. As I walked around the church today trying to figure out where this class would be or if it was changed or cancelled, I remembered those words from many years ago. "You don't belong here."

It's no one's fault. This was going to be my first time attending this class in with these people. But that though consumed me.

Do I really not belong here? Is this too much for me? Can I come back from all I've done? Is there even a way back? Where do I even start? 

So I drove home crying and now these questions consume me. Do I really belong in the Church? Am I really wanted and valued? Is anyone ever going to see past the red in my ledger? 

Road block after road block after road block. I didn't ask for opportunities to be patient, I asked for patience with my current struggles. And now more struggles have beed added to the originals. 

Road blocks.