When he's just not that into you...

You know how it is...You overanalyze everything. Because you want it to be there SOOOO bad. So anything he says and does is scrutinized to the max.

And really, the simple thing to do rather than worry and stress...is to just realize he is just not THAT into you.

Seriously, ladies, if you are overanalyzing, if you are wondering...let me be clear, boys will let you know the are into you. They will not play games.

It's dumb. And we all know someone who's man turned out to be awesome but they tiptoed around each other for 3 years before they committed. Or a friend who stuck it out playing they games an now they are blissfully married!

Well congrats to them. For the rest of us-we need to stop holding out and holding ourselves back. Stop thinking. Stop overanalyzing. Just stop.

And it sucks. But we are all adults and guess what! Not every two people are going to be a match for each other! and that is ok!!!

Accepting it is ultra hard though. So I get it. I mean, it's exactly what I am in the middle of right now. So let's all just pause for a moment and mourn the relationship that didn't work.

And let's move forward to the next!

Road blocks

I have two friends that I'm always in a three-way text conversation with. So we complain and carry on about whatever is happening at the moment. We like to play, "who's crap is worse". In our own world's our crap is just as big as anyone else's during those very, very trying moments.

And also when you ask for patience, have you ever noticed that God gives you more things to be patient about?

I'm so frustrated.

I break up with Boyfriend because I want to do the church thing, the temple marriage, participate in church classes. And my thoughts align with "you're doing the right things, therefore you will be blessed." You know, what the scriptures tell you. 

And instead, comes a trial of my faith...a bigger trial. As if breaking up with a boyfriend of 3 years, moving out of our house, moving back in with family, etc. wasn't action enough...my car gets totaled in a stupid accident. AND then my poor credit choices come to haunt me.

AND then the straw the broke the camel's back today...institute was cancelled. I was so excited to go and be with friends and get a Godly lesson...but just to throw off more of today sucking...the class is cancelled.

Oh and not only was class cancelled, it wasn't relayed to me...so I sit at the church for 30 minutes and then start bawling my eyes out.

#winforSara

It wasn't even that class was cancelled, it was the act that I am trying so hard to be righteous and attend church meetings and participate and make friends, and no one said, Hey...no institute tonight.

Many years ago I attempted to attend church in a college YSA. I was less than active and it was an attempt to reactive myself. (yeah, I've fallen in and out of activeness a few times.) I was running late, but I arrived and not knowing a soul walked into the building. Not knowing where to head, I peaked my head into a classroom with an open door to see if someone could tell me.

The girl who first saw me said, "You don't belong here." I'm sure she meant, "this is a meeting for X and you're looking for Y." 

I will never forget that moment. As I stood there I thought, "They can just sense I'm a sinner. they don't want me here. I'm not welcome. She's right. I don't belong here."

And that was a huge impact on me. As I walked around the church today trying to figure out where this class would be or if it was changed or cancelled, I remembered those words from many years ago. "You don't belong here."

It's no one's fault. This was going to be my first time attending this class in with these people. But that though consumed me.

Do I really not belong here? Is this too much for me? Can I come back from all I've done? Is there even a way back? Where do I even start? 

So I drove home crying and now these questions consume me. Do I really belong in the Church? Am I really wanted and valued? Is anyone ever going to see past the red in my ledger? 

Road block after road block after road block. I didn't ask for opportunities to be patient, I asked for patience with my current struggles. And now more struggles have beed added to the originals. 

Road blocks. 

The grass is not greener on the single side.

I hate getting my hopes up.

And I don't understand how some of these girls date and date and date and date. Seriously...what is their secret?! I can barely get a guy to hang out with me let alone ask me on a date...or multiple dates.

I'm frustrated. Obviously. I don't have any idea what I thought single-life would be like, but this was not it. I guess I forgot about the frustration and the loneliness and not having the significant other to tell everything to.

Gah.

So here's this blog, I guess I'll just pour my heart into you.

School is great. I'm taking 16 credits this semester and I am so over being in school. Just a few more semesters and I'll graduate and then head off to PA school so I can do it all over...

Work is tiring. I'm burnt out.

Dating...well, the grass is definitely not always greener on the single side.

So I'm here cuddling my adorable dog and praying for patience and guidance.

Xoxo.

Dating again...

So I've progressed into the dating world. This time around I keep looking back at patterns of who I've dated, why, and how I "won't ever do that again." 

You know how we are told over and over "you're amazing, anyone is lucky to be with you" or "don't let him treat you like that" or "you deserve so much more."

You know the reasons we hear these things? It's not the boys...it's us girls. We allow everything bad that happens to us...to happen. 

I know he's not XYZ but "he'll change for me."

He won't.

He won't call me his girlfriend because he doesn't want to label what we have.

No...he just doesn't want YOU as his girlfriend.

He got out of a hard relationship, he just needs time.

No...the right girl will make it the right time.

He's just busy.

No...he just is too busy for YOU.

[Insert whatever lie we tell ourselves to feel better about him not calling or texting back.]

If he's not asking you out, he's asking someone else. 

If he's not calling you his girlfriend, it's because he wants it to be someone else.

If he's not calling you at all, it's because he is calling someone else.

These are HARD realizations. They are difficult to swallow. I've been there. Honestly, who hasn't? And the more work it takes to convince yourself that he is into you, the more sure of a sign of how much he is not. 

And then I got stood up...

I've been dating for a good ten years now...and in all that time I don't think I've ever been stood up. Well, it finally happened. I guess technically we didn't have plans...but the "Yeah, tomorrow let's get together!" implies something...right? 

Anyway, totally annoyed.

Nothing was going to come of it either way...it's just the point. 

Guys-it's not that complicated. Just say, "yo, you seem great but I really don't have any interest in this." 

Guess what! It will hurt our feelings, and some women may not appreciate it but the VAST majority of us would respect you. Because trying to save our feelings is just leading us on. Seriously, because we are dummies and cannot comprehend that someone JUST isn't into us...even when the writing on the wall is clearly there. 

But that is how dating goes. We do this dance trying not to hurt anyone's feelings but really, we should all step up and say the words, "I'm just not that into you". It would save a lot of time, a lot of annoyance, AND we all move on like the grown ups we are.

Not being into someone is bound to hurt their feelings because we all think "Well, I'm great and they are missing out." To some extent sure, being vulnerable and liking someone puts the ball in their court to decide whatever they want about you. End of story. 

Just respect it and say "Next!"

When Mom got sick

A few things happened when I got a call about my mom having cancer.

Panic.

Worry.

Fear.

Denial.

My siblings all have careers and families. They are all pretty set where they are at. I'm the mobile one. Still finishing undergrad, still with an entry level job, no kids, etc. So my thoughts went to, "If my family needs help I'm the one able to drop everything and be there."

As I discussed this idea, I got a rebuttal of "Well, you're the one who chose to move away from your family, so why should I have to sacrifice for your choice?"

...ooookkkkkkk, but my mom is sick. The situation is different than just "Hey, let's move." If I had to pinpoint a breaking point, this was it. This is when I really started to back away...8 months ago.

Back to single life...

I'm not sure why I feel so compelled to write this down...but I'll cave.

A few weeks ago I went to a roommate's wedding. I was discouraged/upset/annoyed/other emotions since it was in the temple and I would not be in the sealing room but anxiously biding time in the waiting room.

And I can accept where I waited was due to MY choices. I recognize that I am an adult and had I lived one way, I could've been with Betsy. So I had lots of mixed emotions happening.

Anyway...the temple.
It was beautiful being there. The spirit. Everyone dressed in white. It was an indescribable feeling...and confusion. How was I feeling this? I haven't claimed Mormonism in a long time as MY religion. It's usually a brush off of, "Oh yeah I was raised Mormon."

So this confusion continued. How could a sinner like me, feel something so strong. So real. So undeniable?

This is when I figured out what I wanted.

I wanted THAT life. The cute Mormon temple wedding. The church on Sunday. The scriptures.

See the thing is that I had a boyfriend. A wonderful person I dated for 3 years. Although I was raised LDS, I had a few *many* bad experiences with the single's ward and boy that were "temple worthy" and were less than stellar individuals. So when I met Victor at camp it felt "right". He was different. He didn't fit the Mormon ideals...but he was a GREAT person.

And now 3 years later, we realized just how much those Mormon ideals mean to me. So we shed some tears and made our way out of our life together.

So here I am.
Back to being single.